Would make him go or let him be???

[proudmama2three]

Okay.....I have another question for you. Our 15yr old nephew is living with us. We are his guardians. He has recently been complaining to his mother that he feels left out of the family. His brother(14yrs old)is also living with us but seems to be VERY happy to be with us and has no problems with us here. The 15yr old does not want to go and do things with us even when asked. He prefers to sit in his room. Which drives me crazy!! We have told his mother that it is him that makes himself feel left out cause we are always asking him to go places with us. For example tonight my husband and I are going out dancing and we told the boys that they could go. This place we are going has no alcohol and we thought it would be nice to be with them. The 14yr old is all excited about going out HOWEVER his brother doesnt want to go. My husband was also planning on going camping with just the boys and the 15yr old has just told us he is not going. Everytime we turn around he knocks down our efforts to make him feel like a part of the family. Should we make him go camping with the guys? Or let him be? I dont want him to feel left out but what can you do to make someone feel like a part of something when all they do is push you away???????????????

[Korena]

make him go, then that way later he cant say you left him out on purpos.........Becouse when I was a teenager I used to turn things back on my mom, and twist the story

[Smidget]

don't make him go. honestly, making him do something would be worse than letting him stay home. i used to turn stuff around too, like Korena said, but really, the kid is 15 and although there are of course rules that need to be followed, it really isn't fair to MAKE him do something that he doesn't want to if its not necessary, KWIM?

why don't you talk to him? or when you invite him say stuff like "we'd really like you to be included in our family" etc. maybe he doesn't realize how much you really are trying to get him to fit in :shrug

[twinbears]

I lived with my aunt and uncle from the time I was 12 until the time I moved out. I felt left out alot. They went on family vaccations and left me at home, holidays were all about my cosuins, I felt no matter what I did I really was noticed. It hurt alot. Even though you are asking him to go you are dealing with two things one he is still adjusting to you as guardians and two he is a teen ager and they like to push you as much as they can. There was so many little things that my aunt could of did to make me feel like I was wanted there. But I felt like I couldn't speak up becasue they had already taken me in. Put in that exra effort with him and as much as he pushes you back just keep pushing him to make him feel wanted. I can tell how much you care for him I know it is possible to make it work it just won't always be easy.

[Dixie Momma]

No advice as I have no idea what I'd do, but good luck. :hug

[proudmama2three]

Well..........he actually changed his mind tonight and went out with us dancing. We had a great time. I danced with my husband and my nephews. They dont really know how to dance and are not use to dancing so I jumped in and dragged them both onto the dance floor. The both had fun. They want to go again. I know it must be hard for him(15yr old). He was use to being the "man" of the house and wasnt use to having a man in his life giving rules and making sure he obeys those rules. He was use to doing what he wanted when he wanted and with whom he wanted. His brother is very content and to be honest he is like my son. The older one mainly pulls away from my husband(his uncle) but we wont give up because we care too much. They are both great kids and we are plannning on adopting the both of them. I have to agree though forcing him to go somewhere would only make things worse so I think that him deciding to go on his own was GREAT!! Lets see what he decides to do when its time for the GREAT CAMP OUT for the BOYS.

Thankx for your opinions..............

[MotoMama]

I'm sure it's hard, He's at that age probably where he's thinking about his surroundings, He's not living with his own parents and probably really feels left out of that family and it is "taken out" on your family. My step children live with my In-laws and sometimes I wonder about my 14 year old step son. He goes through these phases. As long as your trying and talk with him I think he'll appreciate later

[Supercalafragilistic]

I remember when my brother was that age, and he was moody as all get out. Just include him as much as you can and let him have his own way HALF the time.

Have you sat down and talked iwth him and told him how much you guys love him and want him to feel loved?

[zak frost]

I would try to make sure you give him extra hugs. Every once in a while, give him a huge hug and whisper in his ear (so no one else hears) about how happy you are that he is a part of your household.

Have him "catch" you talking about how glad you are that they are there. Be talking to a good friend on the phone (and make sure she is onto what you are doing). Have her "ask" about how it is going when he is in the vicinity and say something like "it is an adjustment on both of our ends, but I love having them here" (and then list some great things about him or both if they are both near). Add that you hope that your children pick up on some good trait (patience, caring, responsibility, etc) that he has. If they overhear you bragging to your friends, it means a lot to them (especially if they think that you don't know that they heard).

Try to do some one-on-one things with him, even if it is just going and getting ice cream and then for a drive (and talk to him while you are on the drive).

[Smidget]

as always, zak to the rescue with amazing advice! those are awesome ideas zak!

[Bare Maiden]

Zak has given you some awesome advice. He is going to keep pushing you....I am not sure why you have them with you now...maybe he is feeling a little abandoned because he isn't with his mother anymore?

Hope things start to get better!

[proudmama2three]

They are both living with us because they both wanted to be able to live here in the states and go to school here(They lived in Mexico prior to coming here). The school system is better here and we are able to support them both. Their mother said it was okay for them to come and live with us. They didnt leave because of problems besides of being very poor and a poor school(no heat, no cooling system,no running water).

They both know how much we are happy to have them here. My husband and I both tell them that they are apart of our family. The older one though I think thought that we would support him here while he would get to continue to do what he wanted, when he wanted and with who he wanted to do things with. He doesnt feel abandoned by his mother. He gets upset because we are not easy as far as letting him get away with things(like his mother was). He is getting use to having to listen to parents who actually have control of the household. We do give hugs and give them the encouragments as much as possible. I really think they know we care. The older however is very selfish, lazy when it comes to chores or helping out at all in the house. The younger one is always ready and willing to help and clean or whatever else needs to be done. So I think that is also why the older one may feel left out because the younger one(14yrs old)is in the midst of what is going on whether its for working or playing. The older one(15yrs old)is usually ready for the playing stuff but not for the working stuff. When we are all working the older one disapears into his room and then when we are done with the chores we usually go to the park, walk or whatever is going on locally. When we do go someplace special its to reward the hard work. The older one gets MAD about that and THEN he refuses to do anything with us(we do invite him to go just like his brother). We just need to keep reminding him that a family that works together GETS to play together.

We all went to a little carnival in town. It was alot of fun. I think the GUYS are going camping this week also. That will be nice so the guys can BOND.

I thought a 6 yr old and twin 3yr olds was hard. They are easyy compared to teenagers. I just hope I can get through all this teenage stuff and keep my sanity:beg

[2littlelovebugs]

You and your hubby are doing an amazing job raising your nephews. I am amazed that you have taken on that great responsibility, and are doing the best you can to jump right in to being the parents of two teenage boys. Part of the issues with the 15 year old is probably just the age. All teenagers go through those "blah" phases. Just keep doing what you're doing. Also, Zak gave some great advice. Do some bragging about them to friends over the phone to let them know how much they really mean to you. It will certainly take time, but in time they will know how things work at your house, and where their place is. :bighug