My 13 year old step-brother

[crazycase]

I have a question for all of you whether you have a son this age or not. I am open to all suggestions. I've known my stepbrother for almost 7 years. He's a very shy, quiet individual. He basically, if has the option, stays in his room all day to play video games or watch tv. As I've mentioned he is 13 but has the mind, I think, of a 7-10 year old. He has barely made it through the last few grades. He refuses to do his homework. He's failing almost every subject at the moment. He's not a bad kid. He doesn't mouth off to my mom or stepdad. not sure what he does over his moms, but I do know that he gets away with not doing his homework and basically getting to do what he wants like games and going outside. He is currently under grounding at my moms house no video games, NOTHING. He refuses to answer questions and if it gets to bad he cries. They are really out of options. He was going to a therapist and he's on meds, when he first was on them there was a good change, he was more active with the family and so on. But its like my parents are stuck between a rock and a hard place trying to figure out solutions. My solutions were put him in military school or beat the shit out of him.. haha jk on that last part. But seriously I feel so bad for my parents because they are at there wits end. I know that its exhausting for me to hear about it. So I thought I would post this to see if any of your guys have any suggestions on what to do?! It would really help! Also if I wasn't clear enough I can answer the questions you have! TIA

[WhoserMomma!]

It sounds like he might be very passive aggressive. My oldest son is like that. I am constantly keeping on him especially with his school work. Maybe they can get him involved with sports or other programs where he might open up. I noticed the more Jay gets involved with things, the more he does better. However, I had to take the tv and video games out of his room.

[crazycase]

They have tried sports, he chose golf!! Of all things. But you know it might be my stepdads fault because he doesn't force him to do things!

[WhoserMomma!]

They have tried sports, he chose golf!! Of all things. But you know it might be my stepdads fault because he doesn't force him to do things!

That could be. Every child needs discipline. If he likes golf, that is good. I sure as heck don't, but that is just me. lol

[crazycase]

lol I like the occasional mini golf but to actually golf its just to boring for me! haha My mom just replied with

"Asking them won’t help when Big George isn’t willing to do anything. He thinks George know what he has to do so it is his responsibility to do it. He says you can lead a horse to water but you make em drink it. Like last night he sat at the table and was suppose to be making up homework sat ther 2 ½ hrs and did nothing."

I said just my opinion but I'd make him drink til he's 18.

He's on a downward spiral. You would think with all the crap my real brothers doing and putting everyone through that my step dad would get the picture. But alas men are stupid.. err.. well some men :rofl

[Candyland]

It sounds to me like he is depressed. Maybe too shy to make friends and so he stays away from people. If he sits at the table for 2.5 hours are they sitting their helping him? I may be totally off but when I read your post it sounds like this boy is crying out for help. I'd keep him active and spend lots of time with him. Video games and tv would be limited but not taken away because he obviously enjoys them. :hug I hope things get better for him and your family.

[crazycase]

They do spend a lot of time with him. My mom was always at the table trying to help him. After giving my stepdad to much of her opinion *my mom is VERY opinionated and very critical. He told her to stay out of it "your not his mother". He has told the therapist that the divorce was/is very hard on him but we don't know if he's just saying that because he thinks it'll help him get out of trouble. If anything his mom and her family treat him badly. We are all pretty good to him. I know that when I was there I tried very hard to get him to do things, I even played video games with him just to keep him company. I tried to talk to him. Its a hard situation considering he just won't do better. Ya know. I know what its like to have depression. So if he is suffering whats left for everyone to do.. ya know.

[Candyland]

Casey, I wasn't indicating they/you didn't spend time with him. That is just my only solution to the problem. If they are sitting with him at the table he all out refuses to pick up a pencil? In this case the video games become mine and he learns what it is like to be glued to my side :lol. This is a tough one! On one hand I feel for him and think he is depressed. On the other I think he is playing everyone on sympathy and is really testing authority. I hope someone else has some suggestions for you.

[TEF]

Testing authority, shy, a little anxiety maybe, it could be alot of small things mixed together to make one big thing, kwim? I have a 12 yr old and if this was the case with him, he would be forced to do homework, study etc or get every privelege taken away. If that didn't work I would take him to the school and have the principal speak with him and/or the school psychologist.

[gypsymom]

Try new or different types of activities with him. The weekend of the wedding I took DH's 13 year old niece (who spends ALL of her time on myspace and pming and getting into trouble and such) hiking and she later was telling her parents about how fun it was. I let her use my camera to take pictures of leaves and pointed out different kinds of moss and such. It's just my opinion but I think that one of the healthiest things for confused/troubled kids is to help them connect with nature. It is something constant, but changing. Something that they can explore on their own and with others. A vast world of adventures to be had and knowledge to be obtained. Just an idea...

[crazycase]

Lol candyland, I didn't mean to come across offended. I wasn't. :hug
You all are right and it has been things they have done with him. I am just at a loss and my moms at a loss, because she's really there for his kids.. haha unlike her own two at one time :whistle

[carchris kringle]

My best friend is going through this with her 12 year old. She is recently divorced and at the dads the kids get to do 'whatever they want'. I must say the divorce was her choice so dad is bitter. Her rule has always been NO VIDEO games Sunday - Thursday. However, they spend 2 nights a week at dads, who doesn't enforce the rules. He also, doesn't encourage them to do homework "that's moms job". The kids have had consequences at school and at her house.

I think that some of this is mixed message. I know it can be hard when children are between homes, as my friends DS says, he never feels settled. She is fighting for full custody, with only weekend visits. So maybe this is part of your stepbrothers problem, maybe he doesn't feel settled, and is getting mixed messages, your parents message seems loud and clear, but as you know as a parent, if the other parent even once isn't on your page then there is mayhem (atleast in my house).

I would have your parents work with his mom and see if they can atleast be on the same page and see how helps him.