Santa's little dragonfly
11-04-2006, 12:54 AM
What, OMG, I know I am going to have TWINS! (Aug. 2004)
Before you can understand my struggle and pain I have to start from the beginning..This may take awhile.
DH and I tried for long to have babies and after all we could and all the failed IUI we decided to go for IVF. On Aug. 2002 we attempted our IVF and was successful!
I am and was a very loving natured person but God had plans for me in life to make me see things better than I thought I already knew.......
We got pregnant and had very good numbers. We had an uneventful pregnancy and found out it was twins very early on when you do IVF you normally do. I was estatic and told almost everyone. My worst everything came on a chilly afternoon..@ 21 weeks 4 days Jan 2003...my water broke and then my other and (to make this short I guess i am not ready to tell it all as I thought. Here i am balling my eyes..please excuse the typos) my beautiful baby boys were born. Justin & Jaquis blessed me with so much and I tell them daily. I held my baibes so tight, my gosh they were perfect. I sang "Happy Brithday" to them and DH and I cried forever (I say forever 'cause we still do in our hearts). That was the worst thing I ever experienced in my life. I wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy...from that experience I have no enemies....life is too long to live with hate and too short not to make amence (sp?). Ou babies were baptised and we had a private funeral.
I was over taken aby it all and hide it so well that 4 days later I was back at work. It then hit me...I just started to jit every wall in my office and cry my butt off and suddenly DH was there. He picked me up and we went home. I did a little healing, searching but the void was tremendous. I decided IVF was my only healing. The doctor's urge for me to wait but I insisted and so we did IVF on June 2003 and had the same results as the first one 20 eggs all matured all fertilized all made it to the final stage and two transfered. This time not one stuck....I was at a loss. I gave up and the word IVF was not allowed in our house. Life as agonizing as it was went on...my savior...my son Anthony....who witnessed all this and slept with us for months of being so afraid and not understanding why Mommy lost her babies and if Mommy will ever be the same.
I began to heal with the love of my DH and son. Then a year went by and DH and I were in bed sleeping and I heard him crying. I touched him and he said..."Dragonfly, can we try one more time" My heart sunk..in my head and heart I yelled "Yes! Yes! I want to again" but I softly whispered "we will talk in the morning" and we hugged eachother to sleep.
Aug.2004 we did IVF again and strangely enough my ovaries were packed as always but only 2 eggs were found ....My doctor was schocked and told DH and I that he would try next time and to save these as well. We both said no. They both made it to the blast and we transfered them...My gosh they both stuck. My dsue date was the exact due date as Justin & Jaquis' everything was the same the same day of transfer only exact 2 years later, the retrieval, transfer, due date......My babycenter.com was exact the same as for A & D....
My pregnancy was fine but my mind and emotions weren't. I ran to the bathroom 14 tmes a day..just to check. When Jan. came around I would get out of bed 'cause I tohught the same would happen........The rest is on the birth experience. Thanks for reading and letting me let it out.....
Before you can understand my struggle and pain I have to start from the beginning..This may take awhile.
DH and I tried for long to have babies and after all we could and all the failed IUI we decided to go for IVF. On Aug. 2002 we attempted our IVF and was successful!
I am and was a very loving natured person but God had plans for me in life to make me see things better than I thought I already knew.......
We got pregnant and had very good numbers. We had an uneventful pregnancy and found out it was twins very early on when you do IVF you normally do. I was estatic and told almost everyone. My worst everything came on a chilly afternoon..@ 21 weeks 4 days Jan 2003...my water broke and then my other and (to make this short I guess i am not ready to tell it all as I thought. Here i am balling my eyes..please excuse the typos) my beautiful baby boys were born. Justin & Jaquis blessed me with so much and I tell them daily. I held my baibes so tight, my gosh they were perfect. I sang "Happy Brithday" to them and DH and I cried forever (I say forever 'cause we still do in our hearts). That was the worst thing I ever experienced in my life. I wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy...from that experience I have no enemies....life is too long to live with hate and too short not to make amence (sp?). Ou babies were baptised and we had a private funeral.
I was over taken aby it all and hide it so well that 4 days later I was back at work. It then hit me...I just started to jit every wall in my office and cry my butt off and suddenly DH was there. He picked me up and we went home. I did a little healing, searching but the void was tremendous. I decided IVF was my only healing. The doctor's urge for me to wait but I insisted and so we did IVF on June 2003 and had the same results as the first one 20 eggs all matured all fertilized all made it to the final stage and two transfered. This time not one stuck....I was at a loss. I gave up and the word IVF was not allowed in our house. Life as agonizing as it was went on...my savior...my son Anthony....who witnessed all this and slept with us for months of being so afraid and not understanding why Mommy lost her babies and if Mommy will ever be the same.
I began to heal with the love of my DH and son. Then a year went by and DH and I were in bed sleeping and I heard him crying. I touched him and he said..."Dragonfly, can we try one more time" My heart sunk..in my head and heart I yelled "Yes! Yes! I want to again" but I softly whispered "we will talk in the morning" and we hugged eachother to sleep.
Aug.2004 we did IVF again and strangely enough my ovaries were packed as always but only 2 eggs were found ....My doctor was schocked and told DH and I that he would try next time and to save these as well. We both said no. They both made it to the blast and we transfered them...My gosh they both stuck. My dsue date was the exact due date as Justin & Jaquis' everything was the same the same day of transfer only exact 2 years later, the retrieval, transfer, due date......My babycenter.com was exact the same as for A & D....
My pregnancy was fine but my mind and emotions weren't. I ran to the bathroom 14 tmes a day..just to check. When Jan. came around I would get out of bed 'cause I tohught the same would happen........The rest is on the birth experience. Thanks for reading and letting me let it out.....