I want some opinions, ideas....on raising teenage boys

[proudmama2three]

Hi, I have Identical Twin Girls who are 3 1/2yrs old and a singleton son who is 6 1/2yrs old. About 6months ago we added to our family and let my husbands nephews come and live with us. They are from Mexico and they wanted to be able to go to school here and learn english here. Their mother agreed to it and now they are here with us. They are good boys. They are not sneaking out, drinking, drugs. However they both seem to be a little ungreatful for what we have done for them. We are(were)planning on adopting them but things are so stressed here that my husband is refusing to put money into adoption till we adjust better. Would like to know what you think about their attitude is normal for this age(14yrs old and 15yrs old). I have not had to raise teens so I would like to hear from ones who have(or are). The both have chores(daily chores and weekly chores). The have to be reminded CONSTANTLY to do them. When they do the chores its only because they want something which is usually money. When they are reminded to do the chores they get mad. They think that everytime they ask we need to give them money. The older one doesnt like when we ask where he is going, who he will be with, how long will he be gone, what time will you be back. They are use to doing what they want, when they want, with who they want. Their mother didnt do a very good job on watching over them. As far as school goes(their mid term grades)they are doing okay. When they were with their mother they were failing at least 5 out of the 6 or 7 classes they had.They are not failing any classes at the moment here with us. They both like to play sports but our rule is if you are failing a class you dont get to play sports at school. So at the end of 2nd tri if they are failing in classes then they will have to drop their sport of choice(soccer, wrestling). The other thing we want them to do is that when they begged us to let them stay and live with us they said they would work at our buisness with us. We own two business. One is a check cashing business and the other is a hair salon. My husband needs help with the check cashing buisness. Since the boys had said they wanted to help out at work we got rid of one of our employees. Now the boys have decided that they dont want to help out. I know that it is typical of teens not to want to work with their parrents but this is a different situation. I figure the way they could show their gratitude towards for what we have done for them is to help out a few times a week. Pretty much the only thing they do if we are not on top of them is lay around and sleep or watch tv. The older one as of yesterday is thinking about not living with us and moving in with his aunt(she lives in the same town as us). We wants more freedom. Their aunt is very neglectful and doesnt watch her own two kids. I have been fighting the fact that he wants to live with her cause i worry about him with her. My husband told the older one that the only way we would let him go and live with her is if his mother wrote a letter stating that he could go live his aunt and she would be his guardian. I hope she doesnt do that but if she does then i guess we will let him go. The younger one doesnt want to live with his aunt and he is little more easier to do with. You can reason with him. The older one only cares about fun, girls, girls, fun(you get the point?).

I posted this on another boards a while back but I would love to hear what your opinions are.

Do you think some of things we expect from them is too much? What are your teens like? What do they do during the day? After School? What do you expect of your teens?

[UnFun]

My oldest son is 14 tomorrow. He drives me NUTS with the exact same thing you just described. It's a contstant battle to get him to do even the smallest chore around the house. Just this weekend DH and I revamped what each kids expectations are. I really felt it was necessary to have things written down so that way there is NO question as to what is expected.

Also, the ungratefulness is pretty much par for the course at this age. Just keep doing what you're doing, without expecting anything in return, and one day they'll come back and sing your praises and thank you for all you've done. Raising teenagers is a marathon, not a sprint. The reward for all the hard work will come, it just won't come for a long time.

You're doing a great thing for these boys! Keep it up!

[Smidget]

fun dee is right. i don't have teenagers, but i can remember being one very well. they won't be grateful for anything because teenagers think the world owes them everything they want. and you'll have to keep on them about chores and such. have you tried sitting down and explaining to them exactly why you are the way you are...that you want to make sure they are safe and successful and nothing happens to them, which is why you want to know who what where when and why? i know they probably won't seem to listen, but letting them know you care will make a difference.

and it will pay off eventually. i still call my parents to thank them for things and apologize for how i acted as a teenager

[Bonkey]

I don't have teenagers and no boys at all yet.
IMO sports keep them out of trouble. I would take something else away (like the phone or video games). When they are playing sports you know where they are and that there is adult supervision.
In TN you have to be 16 to get a job. So maybe work out a weekly allowance in exchange for some chores they do. I would make a chart on a marker board and once they are all crossed off they can have their allowance. When they turn 16 I would definitely make them get jobs in the summer, if they are too busy with sports during the school year, fine, but during the summer you have to work.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your situation. You are a saint for helping those boys out. They may not know it now, but they are young and didn't have the best upbringing. I bet they will appreciate it later.

[Free Bird]

I'd like to start by giving you a What you are doing is great and by what you have written you are doing just fine.

I have a 17 & 13 year old sons and a 12 year old step-son but he lied in Maine so we only have him during vacations and summer. Anyway, my 13 could drive the Pope to drink, quite honestly. The boy infuriates me because I have to constantly remind him to do his chores, to clean his room, to do his homework, to finish eating, I swear sometimes I fell like I even have to remind him to breathe. It's the nature of the beast. Chris is extrememly loving but very ungreatful. Then he has the nerve to question why his allowance is short for the week. My thinking is if you don't do your chores, you don't get paid. If I have to remind you, money gets deducted. Because you see, if you work and don't show up, you don't get paid for the day. If your boss is constantly reminding you how to do your job, well you wont' get a raise and you may get fired. Getting fired would be too easy around here so I hit them where it hurts. The wallet.

Feel free to pick our brains anytime you want. I do believe that Fundee and I are the two with the most kids on this board. She's a Mod and well, I pretty much live here so I'm sure one of us can answer any questions for you.

[MotoMama]

I have a 14 year old step son, that doesn't live with us, but from what my MIL has told me and teh way I see him act when I'm around him sounds very familiar.
I hope things get better for you. If they don't show it now, they will. I know I was very ungrateful when I was a teen and Now I thank the lord I had such wonderful parents to raise me!

[proudmama2three]

Okay.....so they are "normal"(as normal can be for teens).

Its just frustrating and disapointing that they begged us to be here and we have made some major adjustments that they would be greatful for what they have. Be they both kinda seem to think we "owe" it to them. At first we were paying them to work at the buisness BUT we bought a bigger house and we are still trying to sale our other house so we are short on money and we told them that they wouldnt be getting paid for a while till we got caught up on things(geez... we are paying two mortgages). Thats when they stopped wanting to come to work and help out. We bought a bigger house so everyone including them would be comfortable and have their own space which is more than what they had in Mexico. Everyone slept in the same bedroom(mom,2 brothers,1 sister)in mexico. I could go on and on about thier ungreatfullness. It really makes me feel bad for my husband. HeWAS so excited to have someone here in the states that is his family. He is really disapointed in the last 6months. I really hope things get better and I realize that the ungreatfull attitude is typical but coming into peoples homes that are NOT your parents you would think that a little understanding and gratitude would be seen.

I like the idea of paying for thier chores. If they have to be reminded then some is deducted or if a chore isnt done then that day is not payed. NOW........How much would be reasonable? Remember these boys are already materialistic(they are the poorest spoiled kids i have ever known) and we are really trying to impliment the idea that hard work is important and that life is not about getting a free ride. They see my husband and I as being rich(which we are not) but they dont really see the hard work, paitence and being reasonable with ones money you have to be if you are going to be successful. I want them to be successful young men. I want them to be able to go out into this world and support themselves and their future family. I want them to be productive in their life and NOT a burden on society. The way they are going I can not see them know how or wanting to get a job to work. Yes when they get old enough to work they will be working. The reason why we threaten to take their sport away is that the one thing they live for. Thier sport is their most valuable interest.

I really appreciate being able to run some of this stuff by you all. I have to say that I use to think that having twin girls and a singleton was exhausting. Well.........The teenage boys are more exhausting. I swear I am going to be in the nut house soon3 . I love them but they drive me crazy.

[brookehogan]

Understanding teenage behavior is a lot like trying to understand Sudoku without the instructions. There are simply too many blank spaces that you don’t know how to fill. Teenagers, for all of their witty charm and endearing attempts at adulthood, are still on many level just children in big bodies. They are trying to cope with an entire world of choices, frustration, and frightening prospects all while enjoying what they have been told are the best years of their life. Whoever told them that forgot about acne, first dates, mood swings, and social pressure.


Understanding Teenagers

[Misti]

I was going to reply but I realized how old this post is. So let's revisit it. I know there are a couple of us with teenagers out there. I think we can all agree these behaviours are pretty much normal for them. How do you deal with them in your household?

[zakity]

We take it one day at a time. And, you know, splitting wood takes a lot of the sass right out of them.